Jesus Christ is able “to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Heb 4:15). God’s will for everyone is holiness and abstinence from sexual sins. God wants Christian to know how to possess one’s own body in holiness and honor, and not to become inflamed with lust (1 Thess 4:3–5). Christ can help with every sinful and addictive behavior. His words are freely provided in the Bible. The purpose of this article is to give scripture to those seeking answers for overcoming sexual sins.
Even in a life wrapped in prayers and Scripture reading, many have found themselves tempted and even enslaved to a behavior that they do not want and even despise. While some Christians may not struggle with sexual temptations, many struggle with controlling sexual desires. Urging someone to read more, be saved, go to church, and stop sinning are excellent, but believers can still miss how to overcome sexual temptations.
Facing sexual temptations is still thought uncomfortable to address in some churches. However, Christ and His apostles openly addressed this sin and its temptation. Believers need teaching on this subject as seen by sexual immorality facing Christians from the first century unto today (1 Cor 5–7). The man who can honestly say that lust for a woman has never tempted him is rare. Just as rare is the woman who can say that fantasizing about a man has not tempted her. There is not any particular person or generation to blame. Christians must become accountable for themselves and to each other. Many may wish that they have avoided any exposure or abuse to such sins. However, love for God compels believers to pursue freedom in Christ. Escaping lusts of the flesh is the individual’s responsibility (Gal 5:16–21).
Definition of Sexual Sins
What is a sexual sin? Many justify sexual sins and irrationally explain away the definition of sexual immorality. People rationalize their lack of self-control and personal situation rather than seeking answers to overcome sins. However, this rationalizing keeps many from seeing how evil sin is and the state of the evil opposing them. Christians need to have an awareness and strong conviction, so that believers abhor this evil (Rom 12:9). Without recognizing, thanking, and glorifying God, people will pervert natural desires into strange lusts (Rom 1:20–28). People can corrupt morality, and they need a moral corrective outside of themselves. The only selfless moral corrective is God and His Word. All other moral convictions come from a self-centered perspective.
Fornication and Adultery
When Jesus spoke of adulteries, fornications, and lewdness, He called these behaviors “evil things” that defile people (Mark 7:20–23). The definition of fornication is from the Greek word porneia. This behavior is any sexual intercourse outside of marriage between one man and one woman (1 Cor 6:16; Eph 5:31; Heb 13:4). Adultery is sex with another’s spouse or when the married has intercourse with anyone who is not one’s spouse. Jesus revealed that adultery includes divorcing and marrying another person unless the divorce was because one’s spouse committed fornication — extramarital sex (Matt 5:32; 19:9; Mark 10:11–12; Luke 16:18; cf. 1 Cor 7:10–11).
Jesus condemned all sexual sins. He did not need to specify that rape, incest, and homosexuality are sexual sins, because these behaviors are outside the natural union of marriage between a man and a woman (Mark 7:20–23). However, Jesus did infer condemnation of pedophilia when He opposed the abuse of children and alluded to sexual abuses against them (Matt 18:7–10; Mark 9:42–50).
Jesus did not have to specify what He meant by fornication with a descriptive list. Jesus used the definition of fornication according to the Law of Moses when He spoke. Within the Law of Moses, immoral sexual behavior included all extramarital sex specifically adultery, premarital sex, incest, rape (pedophilia), sex during menstruation, homosexuality, bestiality, prostitution, and uncovering nakedness (Lev 18; 19:29; 20; Deut 22:5, 22–30). Jesus’s standard is stricter than the Law (Matt 5:28).
Lewdness and Lust
Christ spoke further against sexual sins like lewdness. Some translation of the Bible use the world “sensuality” that is synonymous for lewdness. The apostle Peter defined lewdness as to “entice by sensual passions of the flesh” (2 Pet 2:18; cf. Luke 17:1; Jas 1:13–14). To cause others to lust through tempting speech, revealing clothing, and nudity is lewdness. The Bible reveals that those who continue in lewdness will not inherit God’s kingdom (Gal 5:19–21; Eph 5:3–6).
On the other side, Jesus also taught not to look to lust (Matt 5:28). Looking at another person with lust is adultery in the heart. Jesus revealed, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt 5:28 ESV). Lust is a heart problem. Jesus revealed that out of the heart proceed evil behaviors and evil thoughts such as adulteries, fornications, covetousness, and sensuality (Mark 7:20–23).
The Scriptures describe sexual impurity or “uncleanness” as a work of the flesh that keeps one from entering the kingdom of God (Gal 5:19–21; Eph 5:3–6). The New Testament lists impurity or “uncleanness” among sexual sins. The Scriptures set sexual distinctly apart from fornication, adultery, and lewdness. The Bible describes uncleanness including sexual emissions (Lev 15:32–33; cf. Gen 38:6–10; Lev 15:16, 18; Deut 23:10).
To this diligent student of Scripture, sexual uncleanness must be self-stimulation, masturbation. The sin of sexual impurity comes from the heart and so does looking to lust (Matt 5:28; Rom 1:24). Those looking to lust struggle with this sexual impurity as lust and sexual impurity are linked as sexual sins of the heart. As the apostle Paul explained, God gives those who do not thank or honor Him over to lusts for sexual uncleanness that can lead into dishonoring of bodies with others (Rom 1:24). These dishonorable passions can lead into the penalty of homosexuality (Rom 1:26–28).
Sexual impurity is opposed to self-control. The apostle Paul instructed Christians how to reject the sin of sexual uncleanness and become holy in Romans 6–8. Paul offered freedom from the slavery of sexual uncleanness to live in holiness (Rom 6:19; 1 Thess 4:7). One must become holy and sexually pure by repenting of sexual impurity to overcome looking to lust for others and other sexual sins.
The Cause of Sexual Sins
How can someone become enslaved and feel like he or she cannot control one’s sexual behavior? Most healthy people have sexual desires that God has given to desire a mate within marriage. However, sex has become a stimulus like a drug for many to temporarily fill a desire or to relax. One may turn to sexual sin to distract from guilt, resentment and, or anxiety. However, the resulting stress may open one to a cycle of temptation.
Sexual immorality is a sin against one’s own body — that God will raise as God raised Christ (1 Cor 6:12–20). Sexual sin traps many like any habitual sin. Those who struggle with such can relate to these words, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Rom 7:15 ESV). Jesus professed, “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Mark 14:38; cf. Matt 26:41). The problem is sin dwelling within one’s flesh, and that person cannot find how to do what is good. The apostle Paul depicted,
So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. (Rom 7:17–20)
Since the sin is no longer from oneself, does this mean that someone can continue in sin and grace will abound? This cannot be (Rom 6:1). No one can overcome indwelling sin without the indwelling Spirit of God. The apostle Paul responded to uncontrolled sin confessing, “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” (Rom 7:24). There is a way of escape for all (1 Cor 10:12–13). Paul revealed,
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. (Rom 8:5–8)
The Answer to Sexual Sins
(1) Make no way to gratify desires. Paul revealed, “Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Rom 13:13–14 ESV).
Christians must set a perimeter in one’s life and in one’s mind (Rom 13:13–14). The follower of Christ must not stay in the midst of temptations. They must seek to avoid temptations of secret sins. Many Christians simply miss this point. Even when a Christian sets the mind on Christ, that mindset must include avoiding all forms of evil and fleeing from temptations. If temptations come from friends, places, and exposures, the tempted must keep the good and remove the evil.
Solomon warned that one must not go near the street of the adulterous woman at night (Prov 7). Christians must make no way for private and hidden sins (Rom 13:13–14). After making no provision for sin, believers seek to grow in Christ and in His virtues for the rest of your life (2 Pet 1:4–11). This is a war, and Christians must fight the good fight. Peter declared, “[A]bstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul” (1 Pet 2:11). Lusts can deceive anyone (Jas 1:14–15). Doing nothing is not going to aid anyone in overcoming these sins. Therefore, Christ’s followers must remove the temptation to sin. Jesus proclaimed in Matthew 18:9, “And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire” (Mark 9:43–48; cf. Matt 19:12). The addendum at the bottom expands application of these points.
(2) Pray to God when facing weakness and temptation. Jesus told His disciples on the night of His betrayal, “Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matt 26:41; Mark 14:38). Jesus warned His disciples, yet that night, they all fled when they said that they would not (Mark 14:26-31). Jesus instructed, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation” (Luke 22:40, 46). Was Jesus wrong about prayer? Would prayer have helped deliver these disciples? Yes, praying to God for help does affect change. If prayer against temptation was not useful and powerful, why would Jesus have commanded His disciples to pray? What happens if they would have prayed three times that night? The Christian must pray for the righteous behavior that will replace the sinful behavior — “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” (Matt 6:13).
The apostle Paul instructed Christians to pray constantly (1 Thess 5:17). King David’s words in Psalm 51 set an example of confession, repentance, and prayer to God. James affirmed, “The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working” (Jas 5:16b). Christ taught His followers to pray, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” (Matt 6:13; cf. Luke 11:4).
(3) Change the mind. Transformation must take place in the mind. In offering one’s body as a living sacrifice, the Spirit commands through Paul, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Rom 12:2). The follower of Christ must change and renew the mind (Rom 1:28; 8:7; Eph 2:3; 4:17–24; Phil 3:19; 4:8; Col 1:12; 2:8; 3:1–5; 1 Tim 6:5; Titus 1:15; 2:11–12; Jas 1:8; 4:8; 1 Pet 1:13). When the mind changes, behavior can change and the fruit of the Spirit will fill one’s life with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal 5:16–17, 22–23).
By the Spirit, Paul revealed, “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh,” (Gal 5:16). Giving into these temptations will not end temptations. God’s Spirit commands Christians to be filled with the Spirit (Eph 5:18). Paul urged those following Christ and “to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Eph 4:22–24). This includes replacing sinful habits with good ones (Eph 4:25–32). The believer who is struggling with sexual sin can counter looking to lust with looking to admire purity and goodness in others (Matt 5:27–30). The Christian can make a covenant with the eyes by listing the blessings of not lusting and the curses of looking to lust (Job 31:1–8).
The Christian must humble oneself before God and plant the Word in the heart. James declared, “Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls” (Jas 1:21; cf. Eph 5:18; Col 3:16). This is the work of the Spirit to change the believer (Rom 8:5–6, 11–13; 2 Cor 3:18). Therefore, the Christian must think on those things that are truthful, honorable, just, pure, loving, respectful, virtuous, and praiseworthy (Phil 4:8).
(4) Purify the heart. A darkened understanding and a hard heart lead reveal sensuality in coveting every kind of impure action (Eph 4:17–24). James commanded, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded” (Jas 4:7–8). One must look to other parts of life especially to other parts of the heart. Sinful problems of the heart like resentment, self-condemnation, and fearful anxiety demonstrate the state of the heart. If a person greatly desires attention, self-important, or release of stress through sexual sin, then that person must remove some of these root causes. God loves you even when you were a sinner (Rom 5:8).
Each person must consider must see oneself as a servant of Christ and not seek to please people (Gal 1:10). A believer must seek and set the heart to identify oneself as a servant of Christ. A Christian must also not allow the judgments of others to affect them (1 Cor 4:1–7). For this, one must read Scripture, pray, worship, and assemble with Christians to receive edification in God’s Word, find holy relationships, and stir others to love and good works. A Christian must realize that God loves you unconditionally even while a sinner (Rom 5:8; 8:35–39). However, God’s grace is for those who walk in the light and not in darkness of continuing to sin (Heb 10:26–31; 1 John 1:5–2:6).
Where is the source of love and meaning in life? A believer’s source of love and purpose must come from God. God loves each person. Resentment, self-condemnation, or anxiety reveal a lack of faith and hope in God. Furthermore, the struggling believer should question personal expectations on others and oneself or losing faith that God has a way. When people set their own expectations, these are deceitful and provoke selfish ambitions and coveting desires (Jas 3:13–18). The world often calls these ambitions “goals.” What would God want the believer to do about these ambitions? The Christian must see that life is much better when the believer replaces these ambitions with “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Gal 5:22–23).
(5) Take the way of escape and endure the temptation. God is faithful giving a way to escape for everyone to endure temptations (1 Cor 10:12–13). Bearing the urges is the only way to weaken such desires. Christians must escape and bear the temptation. “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Cor 6:18). The Christian must escape like Joseph escaped the temptation of Potiphar’s wife and fled (Gen 39:8–13).
Giving into sin will not stop temptations or sin. Jesus did not give into temptation to overcome temptation. Christians must escape and bear temptations. They must work diligently to have this mindset always, and they would act wisely to pray constantly for this. When Satan tempted Jesus, Jesus countered the temptation with a better mindset from Scripture than trying to ignore the temptation (Matt 4; Luke 4). Believers should not condemn oneself because sin tempts oneself. The evil one tempted Jesus. Sinful desires will tempt everyone, and those urges may not completely go away. Giving into temptation will not help anyone resist the next temptation (1 Cor 6:18).
The Scriptures teach Christians to kill the evil passions and desires (Gal 5:24; Col 3:5). If one takes God’s escape from the temptation, the desire will eventually decrease and such temptations will decrease. The urges will weaken. Christians must avoid the lie that urges will keep growing and not stop until giving into sin. James urged, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (Jas 4:7). Knowing the path of sin that “each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire” (Jas 1:14). Believers can endure the urge without giving into the temptation (1 Cor 10:12–13).
Enduring temptations brings happiness to believers. The newness of life will fill their lives more than any worldly pleasure. For “Blessed [happy] is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him” (Jas 1:12; cf. 1:4). The Christian must fear God, escape, and then endure with prayer. Christians are able. Giving into temptations will only make temptations worse and increase sin upon sin (Rom 6:19).
Die with Christ to Rise with Christ
Jesus urged that everyone lose one’s life to save it (Luke 9:24). The love of Christ controls those who have concluded that because Jesus died then they die to themselves and live for the one who died and rose for them (2 Cor 5:14–15). Christians must crucify themselves with Christ to remain alive in Him (Gal 2:20; cf. John 15:13).
Christ’s followers know the love of Christ by Jesus’s selfless sacrifice (1 John 4:9–10). God dwells within Christians when those believers abide in love, because God is love (1 John 4:16). Thus, the Holy Spirit has poured God’s love into the hearts of Christians (Rom 5:5–8). Only by Christ’s sacrifice can anyone really know love and be compelled by love (John 15:13; 1 John 3:16; cf. 1 John 5:1–3). When God indwells by love, Christians gain their strength from the Spirit (Eph 3:16–19). The believer must have this love in one’s heart, and then Christ’s love will compel that person to overcome. Love is the first blessing listed among the fruits of the Spirit (Gal 5:22–23). True believers increase in that love by abiding in Christ’s words (John 14:21–24).
To live by the Spirit, a believer must die with Christ, be buried with Him, and rise alive with Him. If a believer does not do this, then that person is not alive with Christ. Those who are of Christ crucify the flesh with its passions and desires (Gal 5:24). Jesus preached, “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it” (Luke 9:24). No one is saved by grace until God gives life raising that person into the newness of life with Christ (Eph 2:4–6; cf.Phil 3:9–10). With an obedient faith, a believer is only made alive with Christ through Jesus’s resurrection when that believer dies to sin and is buried with Christ in baptism (Rom 6:1–7; Col 2:12–13). Only from baptism is a repentant believer raised into the newness of life. This is the Gospel by which God saves all believers (1 Cor 15:1–4; cf. Rom 1:16). The Scriptures warn all to obey the Gospel (2 Thess 1:7–9). Furthermore, Jesus commanded baptism in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit after He rose from the dead (Matt 28:19; Mark 16:16). This baptism is an immersion in water and Jesus’s name (1 Pet 1:3; 3:21; John 3:5; Titus 3:5; cf. Acts 2:38; 10:47–48; 22:16).
A New Life with a New Perspective
The Christian can see every victory from walking in the Spirit. The Christian should contemplate and reproduce that pattern of living everyday. Therefore, each believer must fill one’s life with Christ — His words, His love, and His commands given to His apostles and prophets found in the Scriptures (cf. Eph 3:3–5; Col 3:16). These are all from the Spirit of God. Paul exhorted Christians to walk in the Spirit, and they will have the fruits of the Spirit, which includes self-control (Gal 5:22–23). Believers must diligently grow and add virtues like self-control to faith, knowledge, and love (2 Pet 1:5–11). They must counter temptations of sinful desires, cravings, and urges by walking in the Spirit.
The Christian can look to better things because they have been raised with Christ (Col 3:1). How is this important to overcoming sin? Paul expressed, “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Col 3:5). To give sin a place greater, equal, and close to God in one’s heart and thoughts is idolatry.
The Christian can see through desires and temptations and observe that the temporary pleasure is evil, guilt, regret, resentment, and fear. The grass is never greener on the other side of sin, and temptation is a mirage and sin is enslavement (Rom 6:15–23). The apostle Paul explained, “For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death” (Rom 6:20–21). What do people gain from sin? What is left after temporary pleasure? Slavery is on the other side of giving into sin. Jesus proclaimed, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin” (John 8:34). However, Jesus revealed, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:31–32).
God’s grace reminds believers to deny worldly lusts (Titus 2:11–12). The Christian must see God’s grace as more than salvation from past sins, but also as salvation from giving into future temptations. Christ has forgiven the Christian’s past life of sin. Sin may continue to tempt Christians. Why sin again? “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?” (Rom 6:1–2). Christians must realize God’s grace in the forgiveness of sins, so that they truly love God (Luke 7:40–43). Jesus’s love shown through His death controls followers of Christ (2 Cor 5:14–15).
May God bless everyone who desires to escape such sexual sin. This writer strongly recommends this aid, “How to Overcome Habitual Sins and Addictions through Christ.”
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
A. What about God’s forgiveness and grace? What about if someone stumbles in sin again? Everyone sins and everyone stumbles (Rom 3:23; Jas 3:2). The Christian should feel guilt with godly sorrow and let that godly sorrow help change oneself. Christians should have godly sorrow: “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Cor 7:10). God will forgive everyone if they repent. Jesus taught His followers to forgive when one confesses repentance seven times in a day (Luke 17:3–4). Why? Because Christians are to forgive as God forgives them (Eph 4:32; Col 3:13). What if Christians confess repentance seven times in a day to God? Therefore, as believers walk in the light and confess their sins to the Father, God cleanses them from all sins (1 John 1:7, 9). Christians should let the Word work upon the heart’s conscience and motivate them.
B. How can a Christian avoid lewd images and pornography? Starting with the internet, TV, and magazines. Looking and lusting over lewd images and pornography is probably the most common cause of uncleanness among Christian men. Having the internet is like having a stack of pornographic magazines under one’s bed. The temptation is always there. This is like the street of the adulterous woman as Solomon instructs not to go near (Prov 7). The internet or television can become the street of the adulterous and strange woman. The Christian man must not let her street end at his house. Many find it easy to control their hands from exchanging money for pornographic magazines, but struggle to restrain themselves when thinking they are anonymous online. This lust is an evil thing, and for the married, this is adultery in the heart.
The Christian must get rid of any saved sexual material. This person should remove of the bad cable channels or remove cable TV all together. They should move the computer into a common room with more than one filter and maybe use accountability software if able. This is good to protect children. Regarding internet filters, OpenDNS and Family Safety are excellent and free. The Family Safety software also provides a curfew to restrict certain times of temptation. The Christian man should lead and make no provision for the flesh (Rom 13:13–14).
C. What about natural emissions? God has provided ways to cope by managing sexual desires. The Scriptures refer to nocturnal emissions and staying clean (Deut 23:9–14). When Israelite soldiers were single or away from their wives, they were not excused in the circumstances of war to behave in a sexually immoral way by committing adultery, rape, or any other evil. Married men must know how to manage themselves at specific times in their marriage. This natural release is what God has naturally provided. God gave further instructions to Israelite men to live in a way to control themselves (Lev 15:1–17). Women also have a similar natural function, and they have the same task to maintain self-control. No one has to submit to the world’s ways of addressing these desires by giving into lust with self-stimulation.
D. What about desires like same-sex attraction? If someone has desires like homosexual desires and other forms of paraphilia, these are lusts and temptations given to people who are not recognizing God, glorifying Him and, or thanking Him (Rom 1:18–27). Therefore, they must turn back to God to overcome these unnatural desires. They must recognize that God made each person in one’s specific gender and He made each person in His image. This is true even if someone is born a eunuch (Matt 19:11). Thank God and glorify Him for the traits of one’s gender. They must grow and become strong in the natural qualities of one’s God-given gender. If a man, live as a man and enjoy that life and put away any femininity and restore natural desires by thanking and glorifying God. If a woman, she must increase her femininity and womanly qualities by putting away any masculine tendencies, and she must thank and glorify God. While sin will still tempt everyone, each must listen to Jesus and become committed for the kingdom of heaven (Matt 19:12). God made man and woman become one flesh in marriage, and all desires outside of this are outside of God’s will.
E. How can marriage help a Christian manage one’s desires? God made man and woman to become one flesh (Gen 2:24). God’s design is why people have sexual desires for marriage. “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” (1 Cor 7:2). “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Cor 7:9). Spouses must not withhold marital intimacy (1 Cor 7:1–9). Marital affections are due to each spouse. “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” (1 Cor 7:3). “Do not deprive one another” (1 Cor 7:5).
F. How does a biblical respect for marriage help? Just the simple conviction that sex is an act of love meant only for one’s spouse changes how some directs their desires. All must honor marriage by honoring the marriage bed even if you are not married. A single person can defile the marriage bed too by having sex outside of marriage. This is clear by the reference to fornication in Hebrews 13:4, which says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
G. How can a Christian maintain purity when dating and engaged? Remember “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Rom 13:14). The Christian should only date someone who he or she would marry, and when they decide otherwise then end the relationship. Double dates and meeting in public places is the best if not the only way to date, but there is something else that can make it easier. Draw a line not to cross.
Physical relationships between a man and a woman progress. The progression of affection is a part of how God has designed man and woman. Romantic passion usually progresses like this: an arm around shoulder, holding hands, kissing, passionate kissing, and so forth into petting, undressing, stimulating, and then intercourse. Of this progression, when does one quit thinking clearly? Most would point to passionate kissing. At passionate kissing, rational thinking is often thrown away as the couple becomes “love-drunk.” Followers of Christ can prevent this progression into sin by avoiding passionate kissing or decide to draw the line somewhere before sin.
Sin tempts some couples when they are alone for even an hour. Sexual desires reach a point of sexual intoxication when one cannot think soberly. This is like trying to talk sense into a drunk. How can someone prevent such sensual drunkenness? Christians must keep from the passion of lust. What triggers sexual passion and intoxication? Believers should decide and know exactly when to stop along the progression and let one’s date know too. If a date passes this point, separate from that person for some days or weeks as a matter of discipline.
H. How must a Christian husband live with his wife? The husband must love his wife unconditionally as Christ loves the church and God loves each person (Eph 5:28–31; 1 Pet 3:7). He must do this with understanding and without bitterness (Col 3:19; 1 Pet 3:7). Likewise, women must also recognize that God’s ideal for marriage is for a wife to love and respect her husband by subordinating as is fitting to the Lord (Eph 5:22, 33; Col 3:18; Titus 2:4; 1 Pet 3:1). God gave desires for a spouse within the intimacy of marriage and all desires for others that are outside of marriage are perversions. This desire of the flesh can only be controlled by using it properly within marital love (1 Cor 7:1–9). This is all vitally important in understanding marriage and honoring the marriage bed.
I. How can a Christian couple avoid adultery and better maintain affections within marriage? Paul revealed, “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” (1 Cor 7:2). Marital affections is an answer to sexual desire. Marriage certainly makes it easier. For those who want more romantic gestures besides physical intimacy should comply with God’s instructions to sexual intimacy first. Withholding sex for other things is not biblical. Temptations can arise from not fulfilling marital affections. A successful marriage is based on rendering what is due. Also, obeying Ephesians 5:23–31 by husbands loving wives and wives submitting to husbands will usually prevent these sexual sins. Now and all the time, “make no provisions for the flesh” (Rom 13:14). Christians are wise not to privately meet with anyone of the opposite sex. Temptations for adultery increase by lack of attention, affection, and admiration from the other spouse. A little attention, affection, and admiration from someone else welcomes an affair, and attention, affection, and admiration toward one’s spouse pushes such temptations away.