"I Want to 'Unforgive' You."
By Michael
K. Farrar, O.D.
©
September 16, 2006
We’ve all
been in situations where we found ourselves having to forgive someone for
something they have said or done. Possibly it was a friend, a spouse or a
relative who offended or hurt us. We knew in order to proceed with the
relationship we needed to forgive them for their actions. But have you ever
found yourself in a position where you wanted to “unforgive” someone? Now be
honest. Haven’t you discovered that at least a few times in your life if you
were given the chance to take back some forgiveness that you granted to someone
you would love to do so?
Usually such situations arise when
someone hurts us not once, possibly not twice but numerous times. It’s those
second, third and fourth stabs at our heart that causes us to question our
generous offerings of forgiveness. We just don’t think its fair that we can
forgive someone and then experience emotional trauma once more when they say or
do something that wounds us. We know no one is perfect, but really, it seems
that some people just can’t seem to get the meaning of forgiveness. The meaning
of forgiveness to us in such situations probably means we are granting
forgiveness with strings attached. Our mercy and grace is based on the
understanding that we get something back for it. This something is the
assurance we won’t be hurt again. What if God granted forgiveness in such a
manner? What if God’s grace and mercy had strings attached?
How would we live our Christian
life if we felt that God could grant forgiveness one day, but he could
“unforgive” it the next? How secure would we be in our faith if we felt that
God could withdraw His mercy and grace if we sinned against Him? If this were
true we would live a stress-filled, oppressive, fearful existence as a
Christian.
Possibly all of us need a daily refresher course on
what true holy, perfect, loving Christian forgiveness is? Possibly we need to
compare what God has done for us through His Son with those situations we face
that tempt us to want to “unforgive” someone?
Hebrews 9:22 tells us that “without
the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” This was the requirement of
God’s law. Under the Old Testament law if you sinned against God or someone you
had to offer a blood sacrifice at the temple to atone for this sin. This paid
for the specific act of sin but it had to be done over and over again as people
sinned over and over again.
When Christ came to save the world
He came not to abolish the law but to fulfill it. By Christ’s shedding of blood
on the cross we are granted forgiveness when we accept Him as our Lord and
Savior. Acts 10:43 speaks of this when it says, “All the prophets testify
about Him that everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins
through His name.” Christ’s sacrificial death, His offering of Himself for
the sins of the world, gave all of us a way to pay the debt we owed to God for
all our sins, past, present and future. We obtain this forgiveness as a free
gift when we accept Jesus as Savior and hand control of our lives over to Him
to do with as He pleases.
Jesus at the last supper spoke of
this when He said in Matthew 26:28 “This is my blood of the covenant, which
is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.” Ephesians 1:7-9 reiterates
this when it states, “In him we have redemption through his blood, the
forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he
lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.”
God is so rich in grace He desired to let it flow into
our lives abundantly through His Son’s sacrifice on the cross. In God’s perfect
wisdom and understanding He wanted to forgive us for our sins and therefore
provided a way for that to take place. But because God is holy, pure and
perfect He also had to fulfill the law He had established and that required a
blood sacrifice for payment. Payment for the entire sins of the whole world
required a perfect sacrifice and this is what Christ provided.
Now you may say that God puts conditions on His
forgiveness because we don’t receive forgiveness unless we accept Christ as
Savior. Since God puts conditions on His forgiveness, why can’t we? The
difference is we are not holy and pure as God is. God established the law that
condemns us. He sets the method of our rescue through His Son, and He sets the
conditions through which His grace can be received. You and I live under the
laws God establishes and, as believers, we live under His grace as well.
Because God is who He is, He has the right to set conditions on His forgiveness.
Because we are who we are, we don’t have this privilege. It is because we are
forgiven by God that we are able and enabled to forgive others. Because we are
forgiven by God for our sins we are “commanded” to forgive others. Part of the
evidence that we truly have accepted Christ as our Savior and therefore have
been forgiven by God, is the fact that we practice the loving gesture of
forgiving those who hurt and wound us. We are not instructed in scripture to
put limitations on our forgiveness. We are not told that there are times when
we do not have to forgive others for what they do against us.
Luke 11:4 states, “Forgive us
our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.” In this prayer
we are instructed to ask for forgiveness from God because we make it a lifelong
continual practice of forgiving those who sin against us. Our ability to
forgive others is intimately tied to our relationship with God. When we harbor
unforgiveness in our hearts or desire to “unforgive” someone, we begin forming
a wedge between our Heavenly Father and ourselves.
Matthew 6:14-15 is even more blunt
when it says, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your
heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their
sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Such a verse concerns me,
how about you? If I don’t make efforts at forgiving those who hurt and wound me
will God withhold His forgiveness from me? The point here is not that God will
take back your salvation. The point is if you fail to have a forgiving spirit
towards others a gap begins to form between you and the Lord. What God is
trying to say here is the relationship you have with Him is intimately related
to the relationship you have with others. You cannot say you love God and fail
to forgive your fellow man or woman.
In Matthew 18:21-22 proud Peter
thought he would impress Jesus with his willingness to forgive others by making
the following statement, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother
when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Here Peter knew that the
Jewish law required people to forgive others at least up to three times. Peter
desired to impress Jesus with the extent of his forgiveness so doubled the
Jewish requirement and added one more. Jesus response to Peter must have been
very convicting. Jesus answered him by saying, “I tell you, not seven times,
but seventy-seven times.” The point of Jesus’ response was not to set a
number of times for us to limit our forgiveness. He was implying that we could
never reach a limit of our forgiveness because God does not reach a limit.
Therefore we can never refuse to forgive someone and we can never “unforgive”
anyone either and still say we are in close fellowship with the Lord.
Now that both you and I are spiritually
squirming we are probably trying to come up with possible examples where
avoiding forgiveness might be justified. What happens if someone kills your
spouse or child? Do you have to forgive them? What if someone beats his wife on
a regular basis? Does the wife have to forgive him so that he can continue to
beat her to death?
These are extreme examples but we
grasp at such situations to try and justify not forgiving someone for calling
us a name, gossiping about us or stealing something we own. In the above
examples if we prayed for guidance, God would both give us instruction as to
what to do and the strength to carry it out. I can’t imagine being able to
forgive someone for killing my wife or one of my children, but knowing who God
is I believe it is entirely possible that through the power of the Holy Spirit
I might actually be able to accomplish this. I could forgive in such a
situation if I was willing to let God lead in my life. In the case of the man
abusing his wife, I believe while the wife is led to forgive her husband, she
is not required to remain in danger and receive further beatings. Forgiving
someone does not mean we hang around so we can be used as a doormat. Jesus
himself, when struck by a guard at one of his trials, did not turn the other
cheek but spoke out against His abuse (John 18:2-23). God gave us His Word to
guide us, His Spirit within us as Christians to instruct us, other believers to
counsel us, a mind to put it all together and a will that He molds to His
perfect, pure and holy will. Forgiveness is often easier than we think and when
it is hardest God grants the power and strength to carry it out if we only ask
for it.
When we fail to forgive or desire to “unforgive”
someone we begin to walk in darkness. As Christians must remember we no longer
live in darkness. We are called to walk in the light. We no longer belong to
ourselves. We belong to God. We are no longer living under the burdens of our
sins. We are forgiven and our calling is to be forgiving people.
Colossians 1:13-14 affirms this
when it says, “For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and
brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption,
the forgiveness of sins.”
The next time you are struggling
with forgiving someone or dwelling on the desire to “unforgive” someone, start
thinking about what Christ endured for you. Think of the unwarranted abuse He
received. Think of the emotional, spiritual and physical pain He experienced
because of your own personal sins. Think of the darkness and rejection He felt
when His Heavenly Father turned away because He could not look upon the sin He
bore on the cross. Think of the words Jesus spoke when He thought of those who
were doing all these horrible and evil things to Him.
“Father,
forgive them,
for they
do not know what they are doing.”
Luke
23:33-34